October has been a weird month for me ever since 2005, which is when I was last raped. Up until then, I loved October…it’s a beautiful month, and Halloween is my favorite holiday, so I spent the whole month excited. These last few years, October has been bittersweet. I get excited for Halloween still, and I always appreciate the beauty of fall, but rape is on my mind more often. So, a few weeks ago I decided to get the police report from the last rape. It’s the only one that even has a police report, and I feel like I should have looked at it long ago. Years ago, my therapist encouraged me to get a copy and read it in a session with her, but it was too fresh and I didn’t feel like I could read it without being triggered. I finally feel like it is time to get some closure on the event and that I will be able to read it without it upsetting me too much. (Maybe it’s wishful thinking….)
I called the Tempe police department the other day to find out the record number so I can send the written request. One of my biggest hang-ups with the whole thing is that I don’t remember anything. (The rape crisis center people thought I had been drugged.) I don’t remember most of that night, and the parts I do remember are hazy at best. I do remember sort of coming to in a hotel lobby with a blanket around me, naked underneath, with a cop with yellow glasses looking at me and asking me if I was alright. He and his partner told me that the hotel manager had called them because I had come running into the lobby naked crying and asking for help. I don’t remember that. Anyway, I say all that to say I have NO IDEA what will be in the report. The cops took me to the rape crisis center and were quite nice to me that night. However, I chose not to press charges in the days following. (I just wanted it not to be true, so I dealt with it by pretending it didn’t happen. Not a healthy way to deal with things, I don’t recommend it.)
Anyway….police reports…. The website says that victims of crimes can get one free copy of police reports. However, when I talked with the lady in the records department, she told me I would have to pay for the report. As though I was the perpetrator. This has me really freaked about what is in the police report, though I am willing to pay for the closure. I need an assistant to be there with me when I open the report, but I have this really strong feeling that it needs to be someone who will support me without wanting to know what is in the report if I don’t like what it has to say. At the same time, I need it to be someone who can get it together to be there for me if it is super upsetting. I really don’t know who to ask. I don’t want to ask Mr. Perfect, it’s just too much. I don’t want to ask my parents because I think it would be just as upsetting to them. I need someone with no vested interest in what the report says, but does care about me. I guess I am now accepting applications….
These are the extra details of being a survivor of rape that no one would EVER think of otherwise….
Confessions of a Former Relationship Junkie 