Police Reports

October has been a weird month for me ever since 2005, which is when I was last raped.  Up until then, I loved October…it’s a beautiful month, and Halloween is my favorite holiday, so I spent the whole month excited.  These last few years, October has been bittersweet.  I get excited for Halloween still, and I always appreciate the beauty of fall, but rape is on my mind more often.  So, a few weeks ago I decided to get the police report from the last rape.  It’s the only one that even has a police report, and I feel like I should have looked at it long ago.  Years ago, my therapist encouraged me to get a copy and read it in a session with her, but it was too fresh and I didn’t feel like I could read it without being triggered.  I finally feel like it is time to get some closure on the event and that I will be able to read it without it upsetting me too much. (Maybe it’s wishful thinking….)

I called the Tempe police department the other day to find out the record number so I can send the written request.  One of my biggest hang-ups with the whole thing is that I don’t remember anything.  (The rape crisis center people thought I had been drugged.)  I don’t remember most of that night, and the parts I do remember are hazy at best.  I do remember sort of coming to in a hotel lobby with a blanket around me, naked underneath, with a cop with yellow glasses looking at me and asking me if I was alright.  He and his partner told me that the hotel manager had called them because I had come running into the lobby naked crying and asking for help.  I don’t remember that.  Anyway, I say all that to say I have NO IDEA what will be in the report.  The cops took me to the rape crisis center and were quite nice to me that night.  However, I chose not to press charges in the days following.  (I just wanted it not to be true, so I dealt with it by pretending it didn’t happen.  Not a healthy way to deal with things, I don’t recommend it.)

Anyway….police reports….  The website says that victims of crimes can get one free copy of police reports.  However, when I talked with the lady in the records department, she told me I would have to pay for the report.  As though I was the perpetrator.  This has me really freaked about what is in the police report, though I am willing to pay for the closure.  I need an assistant to be there with me when I open the report, but I have this really strong feeling that it needs to be someone who will support me without wanting to know what is in the report if I don’t like what it has to say.  At the same time, I need it to be someone who can get it together to be there for me if it is super upsetting.  I really don’t know who to ask.  I don’t want to ask Mr. Perfect, it’s just too much.  I don’t want to ask my parents because I think it would be just as upsetting to them.  I need someone with no vested interest in what the report says, but does care about me.  I guess I am now accepting applications….

These are the extra details of being a survivor of rape that no one would EVER think of otherwise….