Dear Chemistry

Dear Chemistry,

It’s nice to see you again.  However, I do have a bone to pick with you…  Yet again you have connected me with a member of the military.  Why do you always betray me like this?  After the last time I made a simple request…no more military.  And yet, you have not listened.  Thomas was in the Air Force, William (aka Rat Bastard) was in the Army, Mr. (Not All That) Perfect was an Army veteran, and now BVP is in the Army.  That is ONLY counting those that I have had lasting connections with and not including those that there was chemistry with but didn’t last long.  WTF??

My main argument with the military is the potential for PTSD.  As a survivor of PTSD, it is very difficult for me to date anyone struggling with it themselves.  Now, I know that not ALL military personnel end up traumatized, but the percentage is higher than that of the rest of the male population.  So far, BVP exhibits no signs of any trauma.  He has deployed before, but does some sort of computer job.  He is also friends with my roommates, and I haven’t heard anything mentioned about trauma.  But it scares me to think that I could end up with another Rat Bastard type guy.  I’m sure he isn’t anything like Rat Bastard- he doesn’t seem to have multiple mental illnesses- but what if it’s buried.  On the other hand, I really like him (thanks to you, Chemistry) and have a great connection.  And I think about him all the time.  Arg. At least you made him have the same feelings as me…

I just wanted you to know that while I appreciate your appearance in my life, I am a little wary of your decision making.  Please think this one through carefully and remove the connection early if there is trouble ahead.  Otherwise, I don’t know how I can trust you in the future.

Thank you for your continued attention to my life.

Sincerely,

Former Relationship Junkie

“Ding” Round 1

Last night while I was bored during the second date, I found myself picturing this whole dating thing like playoff brackets.  And it made me laugh.  Probably at an inappropriate time, like one of the awkward silences.  So here’s how it works: Aaron had his own bracket…so he goes onto the next round.  Because afternoon guy and evening guy were in the same day…they were playing against either other.  We’ll call afternoon guy Not-Jude Law and we’ll call evening guy Dejected Filmmaker.

Not-Jude Law was pretty nice.  We had talked on the phone quite a bit and laughed a lot before we decided to get together.  Though he did not go to college, he was capable of intelligent conversation and I felt like we could talk about any subject without an issue.  He seemed like the intelligent, but not educated type.  Fine.  So we decided to get together before my interview and meet.  He was full of plans for the future…he’s going to cook me dinner, he’s going to help me unpack my boxes, etc.  Anyway….as I pulled into the parking lot to meet him, I saw him standing outside waiting for me looking kind of rough around the edges and not like Jude Law.  We had a good time anyway, talking and laughing.  He was giving me compliments left and right and though I wouldn’t really choose him, there was at least a little chemistry.  I had to race off to my interview and he said he would call me later in the evening when I was driving home.  Sure.

After my interview (which was great!) I met up with Dejected Filmmaker.  I parked my car close to the bar and walked up.  He must have seen me coming, because he came out and gave me a hug and told me his friend was there, but was leaving as soon as his beer was finished.  He was actually cuter in person than his photos indicated.  I went in and sat down, met his friend, and ordered a beer.  And then…nothing.  Silence.  For most of the time.  His friend left a few minutes later and there were so many awkward silences that I think we spent more of the 50 minutes we were together staring at nothing than actually talking.  Also…he spent the entire time with the most dejected looking body language I’ve ever seen.  His body was so hunched over that his chin was nearly touching the bar.  So…..that was a no.

Based on the two dates, Not-Jude Law was the clear winner of the bracket.  It looked like he was advancing to the next round.  While I was driving home, Not-Jude Law called me to talk.  We were having a pleasant conversation when suddenly he said “Why is my car alarm going off?  Oh!  Fuck!  Let me call you back in two minutes” and he hung up the phone.  So I was driving and thinking: “What could’ve happened…is there some angry ex smashing his windows or is someone trying to steal his car?”  A few minutes later, he called back and I checked to see if everything was ok.  He said “Yeah, I’m fine.  Well, no…it’s not fine.  My car just got repossessed.”  Stunned silence on my end of the phone.  (Seriously….you can’t make this stuff up…)  Not only did his car just get repossessed by the bank, but he’s actually admitting it to me after our first date.  Okay…..

He went on to tell me why this had happened.  I listened politely and even expressed some sympathy, I know financial difficulties happen to everyone, and I am certainly not going to judge people for having them.  However….NO.  I have my own financial difficulties and I don’t need to get involved with someone who is in that much trouble.  I might have made an exception had it been otherwise perfect, but it wasn’t.  On the advice of a friend, I sent him a message today letting him know that it was nice to meet him, but that I didn’t think this was right for me- and I wished him the best of luck in his life.  My friend reminded me that it would be good for me to practice being honest with people when I don’t like them instead of being “nice” and afraid to hurt their feelings.  She’s right.  So….if nothing else…this whole online thing will be great practice for me.

This round: no winner.

The weird thing that happens….

WARNING: This post may contain material not suitable for all audiences.  Like my parents.  Mom, this means you.  (Nothing crazy, just could cause discomfort….)

There’s something weird that happens with old flames.  You KNOW they aren’t really as attractive/funny/smart/worth it as they used to seem, but somehow, the old you takes over and your judgement becomes clouded.

Case in point:

Last night (I’m home on vacation, remember?) I went out with my girls.  We generally go to the same lame place, but always have a great time anyway.  Great company can make the worst places awesome.  Anyway….I was fully expecting to be hit on by way too many 24 year-olds.  I was even expecting to have at least a few high school reunion moments.  I was NOT expecting to run into a certain old flame.  And by old flame, I mean ancient history.  When I was a sophomore in high school and 15, “Jeremy” seemed like the hottest, funniest, coolest guy EVER.  He was a senior and had a car….both things that seriously upped his cool-factor.  We were a couple for a few months before I ended it to be with another, more awesome senior (well, I thought so anyway).  Our relationship had its sweet moments, but was mainly a physical one.  And even after we broke up, we always had a weird chemistry.

Last night, I could feel that chemistry tugging at me again.  He was obviously interested and was attentive to my friends and me, buying us drinks even though he doesn’t drink.  At some point in the night, I mentioned to one of my girls that he was a high school boyfriend and she said “Eww.  Him?  He’s not attractive!  He looks like he spends too much time on the mountain!”  I looked at him through her eyes and saw that she was right.  Where I used to find him attractive, he DID have sort of a mountain man look going on.  For a few minutes this worked.  It put a stop to those weird feelings of chemistry.

Then, at the end of the night, he asked me to go home with him.  We didn’t “have to do anything,” but he could “use some company.”  I actually considered it.  Despite the realization I had had earlier in the evening (with a little help from my friend), I actually thought about it.  I considered it all the way home (in my own car) and hadn’t ruled out changing my mind.  Finally, sense got a hold of me and I went home and got in bed, texting him “maybe another time.”

The craziest thing is, I actually haven’t ruled out “another time.”  I spent all day considering what it is about old flames that make people lose their sense.  I have a few thoughts:

  • They remind us of a time when we were younger/skinnier/cuter and more carefree.
  • Anyone you have previously had sex with somehow gets tied up in your current perceptions of sex and what is sexy.
  • There is something satisfying about knowing that someone who wanted you when you were younger/skinnier/cuter and more carefree still REALLY wants you.

It could be one of those things, a combination of those things, or none of those things.  All I know is that for some reason, there is something tying me to this person, even though my brain is screaming “NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!!”