Police Reports

October has been a weird month for me ever since 2005, which is when I was last raped.  Up until then, I loved October…it’s a beautiful month, and Halloween is my favorite holiday, so I spent the whole month excited.  These last few years, October has been bittersweet.  I get excited for Halloween still, and I always appreciate the beauty of fall, but rape is on my mind more often.  So, a few weeks ago I decided to get the police report from the last rape.  It’s the only one that even has a police report, and I feel like I should have looked at it long ago.  Years ago, my therapist encouraged me to get a copy and read it in a session with her, but it was too fresh and I didn’t feel like I could read it without being triggered.  I finally feel like it is time to get some closure on the event and that I will be able to read it without it upsetting me too much. (Maybe it’s wishful thinking….)

I called the Tempe police department the other day to find out the record number so I can send the written request.  One of my biggest hang-ups with the whole thing is that I don’t remember anything.  (The rape crisis center people thought I had been drugged.)  I don’t remember most of that night, and the parts I do remember are hazy at best.  I do remember sort of coming to in a hotel lobby with a blanket around me, naked underneath, with a cop with yellow glasses looking at me and asking me if I was alright.  He and his partner told me that the hotel manager had called them because I had come running into the lobby naked crying and asking for help.  I don’t remember that.  Anyway, I say all that to say I have NO IDEA what will be in the report.  The cops took me to the rape crisis center and were quite nice to me that night.  However, I chose not to press charges in the days following.  (I just wanted it not to be true, so I dealt with it by pretending it didn’t happen.  Not a healthy way to deal with things, I don’t recommend it.)

Anyway….police reports….  The website says that victims of crimes can get one free copy of police reports.  However, when I talked with the lady in the records department, she told me I would have to pay for the report.  As though I was the perpetrator.  This has me really freaked about what is in the police report, though I am willing to pay for the closure.  I need an assistant to be there with me when I open the report, but I have this really strong feeling that it needs to be someone who will support me without wanting to know what is in the report if I don’t like what it has to say.  At the same time, I need it to be someone who can get it together to be there for me if it is super upsetting.  I really don’t know who to ask.  I don’t want to ask Mr. Perfect, it’s just too much.  I don’t want to ask my parents because I think it would be just as upsetting to them.  I need someone with no vested interest in what the report says, but does care about me.  I guess I am now accepting applications….

These are the extra details of being a survivor of rape that no one would EVER think of otherwise….

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. letuswed
    Oct 10, 2011 @ 11:05:50

    I hope you do find someone who you can trust to be there with you when you get it and decide to open it. Good friends will not judge and just be there to sit and listen. My heart goes out to you FRJ ❤

    Reply

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