Holiday Single Scene

It must be the time of year.  I think single people feel the most alone during the winter holidays.  It is cold and dark (although the weather has been crazy warm lately…) and it’s a season that is supposed to be spent with loved ones.  Even with family, singleness is felt strongly.  I can’t speak to those who have separate families, but in my family, the only single people are those who are widowed or single by choice.  I can assure you that I felt very single during Christmas with my family.

Still, I was surprised by the number of messages I have been receiving on the online dating site.  Record numbers.  Like 6-10 per day.  It’s crazy.  Maybe because I have been feeling it too, I have been responding to some.  I have a date with one tonight.  He and I were talking in August, but I called off our date after I met Mr. Not-So Perfect.  He has been very persistent, contacting me at least once a month and asking to get together.  I finally said yes this week.  He is 40, which is closer in age to my parents than to me, but we seemed to connect well when we were talking the first time, so we will see.

Another of the online guys wants to have coffee this week.  Yet another seems to be on the verge of asking.  I am not sure how many of these dates I can take, but I am going to try.

I still am “seeing” BVP, but there is no official title on our relationship and we don’t really talk unless we are together.  I decided that as long as we are unofficial, I am not going to put the rest of the dating world on hold.  The only issue is that he is friends with my roommates, so I have to be a little quiet about the whole thing.  While I would normally tell my roommates all about my dates, I feel like I can’t until I make up my mind about BVP and the rest of them.  When I think about it too much, I feel pretty guilty, but I don’t want to keep putting myself in the same situation/trap over and over again.

Maybe this is all just a holiday season phase and I will return to business as usual as soon as it is over….but Valentine’s Day IS right around the corner…

 

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Bringing Down the Wall- Part 2

In honor of the psychic’s advice about learning love lessons, and the approaching New Year, I am trying to think about the POSITIVE lessons I have learned from my current and past relationships.  I could probably name a million negative lessons, but I want to focus on the things that will propel me forward.  So, while some of them may seem negative, I am only including them in my list if I feel like they have helped me grow and move on in my life.  This is incomplete and will probably take me a while to work through completely, but I wanted to throw a few out there to the universe.

(This is not in relationship order…maybe I will make it orderly later…)

Rat Bastard- You started to give me my voice.  I had NEVER yelled at anyone or stood up to anyone in an argument before you.  While I didn’t do it very often, you were the one who taught me to fight for what I believe in and to fight for love.  As much as I dislike you now, I will be grateful forever to you for giving me the power to yell.

Mr. Not-So Perfect- You taught me that I deserve to be with a man who can handle their own finances and treat me once in awhile (or more).  I think you were also trying to teach me to ask for the things I want in a relationship.  I’m sorry I cut that lesson short.  I will try to learn it with someone else.

BVP- You are teaching me about accepting expressions of love and how to be honest about my feelings even when it feels risky.  I don’t know how long this will go on between us, but I am eternally grateful to you for accepting my bumbling attempts at honesty.

 

I am going to continue thinking about lessons I have learned, though I am quickly realizing that the psychic was right…I have abruptly ended relationships and in many cases I can’t think of anything positive or forward moving that I learned from even the longest of those relationships….including 3 year or longer ones.  Maybe that is a lesson in itself.

Bringing down the wall….Part 1

Sorry for my terrible posting habits lately…the semester is finally over, so I will have more time to actually blog. 🙂

After a really strange few days, my friend and I went to a psychic on Sunday afternoon and the strangeness continued.  She had purchased our readings months ago and had me on a payment plan to pay her back (which I never started).  A few weeks ago she told me that the psychic reading would be my Christmas present and we made ourselves schedule the appointment.  We went to one of the most well known psychic parlors in the country and definitely got something different from what we were expecting.

The tea room was in a suite in an office building downtown and was really just one room with many psychics and an office administrator working.  One psychic was on the phone doing an incredibly loud reading.  I mean, I know ALL about “George” now except what he looks like.  The “waiting room” was just a bunch of chairs in the hallway. It was kind of a distracting environment.  My friend went first, but I won’t share any of her business.  When it was my turn, I walked in and sat down at a small table with the psychic.  She gave me a weird look while she introduced herself and asked me if it was my first time.  It was.  She told me to shuffle the deck while she got more water.

I won’t relate everything she said, but I will give you a few high points.  (Some of this may sound ridiculous to some, but I am not trying to mock the reading…I believe a lot of what she said and truly do believe in past lives.)

1)  She told me that I am defensive in this life because I did a lot of damage as a Voodoo witch in many previous lives, although I did it for fun and not for evil.  Even though I have worked that out of my soul, I still have the left over defensiveness and paranoia which came with hurting other people.

2)  I also spent several lives as a psychic and have very good intuition.  I could be almost psychic if I practiced my intuition skills a little in this lifetime.

3)  My love life path is supposed to be that I learn love lessons from several small relationships.  However, I always end relationships abruptly when I realize that the person is not the one, so I have not been learning the lessons I need to learn.  (This is totally true.)  She said this means I will have to work through all the love lessons with the right person before I will be ready for marriage.  She also said that while many people “just know” that they are with “the One,” it will not be like that for me.  It will be after doing work and learning lessons that I will realize.  She encouraged me to give relationships the space they need to teach me the lessons.

4)  My career has some cool things in store.  I won’t share details.

5)  She said she didn’t see the relationship with BVP lasting beyond 3 or 4 months.

Based on all of her advice and information, I decided to *TRY* to stop abruptly ending relationships.  I think she is right…I do have more to learn and I won’t learn it if I continue to drop guys as soon as they irritate me a little bit.  Now I’m not saying I was wrong to get rid of Mr. Not-So Perfect…I think I did learn a lesson about standing up for myself and holding my ground.  I AM going to see where things go with BVP and I am going to take the risks that feel so dangerous.  Like a line in a show I watched earlier today “this wall of yours…it may keep out pain, but it will also keep out love.”  I am working on bringing down my walls.

Signals

So after a little advice and a lot of pep talk, I decided to make myself clear to BVP.  He is away for the weekend, but I sent him a text apologizing for the other night and telling him that even though my signals are probably clear, I like him.  I used those words.  “I like you.”  This was almost four hours ago.  And I haven’t heard back at all.  What kind of signal is that?  To me it says he’s “just not that into me,” but I know absolutely nothing about this kind of thing.  How long do I wait for a response?

I can’t just leave it hanging forever because he is best friends with my roommates and my neighbor and we will see each other pretty much every day.

You can call me Jane…I mean Elinor…

EDIT: I’m an idiot in addition to being crazy….it’s Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility. You can call me Elinor.

So lately I’ve realized that I am a lot like Jane Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. And not necessarily in a good way. Unfortunately I have the tendency to keep my feelings completely quiet and hidden. I even pretend they are less than they truly are, even to myself and my closest friends. At one point Jane says about Mr. Bingley: “I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him- that I greatly esteem him. I like him.” Although she makes a very bland comment about him, she is hiding (from herself and her sister) her true feelings. I said something almost identical to this when describing BVP to my mother a few weeks ago.

The problem with all this is that if I’m hiding it from myself and my friends, then he isn’t going to know either and like Mr. Bingley, he might be easily persuaded to call it quits with me. Now let me just say, I’m not trying to draw too many parallels between Jane Bennet and me. I’m not currently in love with BVP. But I do like him a lot and feel a strong connection with him.

Yesterday I behaved like a cross between Jane and a crazy person- I indiscreetly asked a friend to help me read signals…and BVP heard me. On top of that, I had asked him to hang out and neglected to mention that it was going to be a group event. Then on top of that, I let my Jane-ish-ness get the best of me and I played it super cool. I’d been feeling pretty unsure recently about his intentions and have definitely been putting up a wall. Today I even found myself thinking I should just call it a loss instead of dealing with this wall and taking a risk. Except I feel like I might regret it. I NEED to deal with this, if only to prove to myself that it isn’t as scary as I assume. I’m just hoping I haven’t ruined a good thing already by being a crazy version of Jane…

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Nostalgia…otherwise known as “getting old”

I’ve been feeling nostalgic lately.  I’m not sure if it’s the time of year or if I’m just getting old, but apparently others are feeling nostalgic as well.  Today I heard from an old fling/good friend that I hadn’t heard from in at least a year.  Out of the blue he sent me a message saying “miss you.”  It instantly brought me back to all the great times we had together and all the laughing we used to do.  I miss him too.  So I told him so.  Fast forward to 20 minutes later and I had invited him to come visit.  Not like that, y’all.  Just as friends, though he may think otherwise.

Also, today my oldest friend is coming over to hang out.  He and his wife live in the same state as me, but I haven’t seen them in almost a year.  We have both been super busy this year and haven’t figured out a time to get together until today.  It feels like old home week or something.

It seems like the older I get, the more I value friendships and miss some of the amazing people from my past.  I never thought I would want to go to my high school reunion.  In fact, I was positive I would NEVER be caught dead there.  But now I find myself kind of looking forward to my 10 year reunion in June.  Sure, there are some assholes I do not want to have to interact with….Rat Bastard being at the top of the list.  But there are so many people I have lost touch with who were great friends and awesome people.

I decided that I am going to begin sending holiday cards to all the people I love, but may not be in touch with.  Growing up, my parents stayed in touch with a lot of people this way and it seemed to work well.  I’m going to give it a try.

You know you are getting old when you start behaving like your parents….