3 weeks

I saw The Poet again last night after more than a week of not seeing him.  He had been having a really tough week and I had a friend in town, so we just kept missing each other.  I was a little concerned that it wouldn’t be the same or that we would have lost momentum, but everything was great….better even.

At first we were a little quiet.  He is still having a tough time and has been a little down and although I feel like I know a lot about him, I don’t know him well enough to know the best way to cheer him up or take his mind off of things.  Is he the kind of person who likes to be distracted?  Or does he prefer to have the space to think about things?  Anyway- at first while I tried to figure out the best way to interact with him in that situation, conversation was a little stilted.  He was participating and holding up his end of conversations, but it wasn’t flowing as easily as normal.  But part of the way through our dinner, we got settled into the swing of conversation.

I’m happy to report that I still really like him and he still really likes me three weeks later.  It has even come to the point where I can feel the “I love you” hovering in the air.  Like it might slip out at any point if I’m not careful.  It’s crazy to feel that way so early, but it seems like it is hovering for both of us.  He asked me to meet his friend and his friend’s fiance on Friday night…and talked about lots of future plans.

We had a great talk about the nature of the stuff he is dealing with right now and how it will be a reality for a while, but he seems like he is dealing with it in a healthy and realistic way.

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Bringing Down the Wall- Part 2

In honor of the psychic’s advice about learning love lessons, and the approaching New Year, I am trying to think about the POSITIVE lessons I have learned from my current and past relationships.  I could probably name a million negative lessons, but I want to focus on the things that will propel me forward.  So, while some of them may seem negative, I am only including them in my list if I feel like they have helped me grow and move on in my life.  This is incomplete and will probably take me a while to work through completely, but I wanted to throw a few out there to the universe.

(This is not in relationship order…maybe I will make it orderly later…)

Rat Bastard- You started to give me my voice.  I had NEVER yelled at anyone or stood up to anyone in an argument before you.  While I didn’t do it very often, you were the one who taught me to fight for what I believe in and to fight for love.  As much as I dislike you now, I will be grateful forever to you for giving me the power to yell.

Mr. Not-So Perfect- You taught me that I deserve to be with a man who can handle their own finances and treat me once in awhile (or more).  I think you were also trying to teach me to ask for the things I want in a relationship.  I’m sorry I cut that lesson short.  I will try to learn it with someone else.

BVP- You are teaching me about accepting expressions of love and how to be honest about my feelings even when it feels risky.  I don’t know how long this will go on between us, but I am eternally grateful to you for accepting my bumbling attempts at honesty.

 

I am going to continue thinking about lessons I have learned, though I am quickly realizing that the psychic was right…I have abruptly ended relationships and in many cases I can’t think of anything positive or forward moving that I learned from even the longest of those relationships….including 3 year or longer ones.  Maybe that is a lesson in itself.

Choices

Last night, my friend and I got into a heated discussion about whether you can help who you fall in love with.  He says that it is a matter of choice, and I disagree.  Or I did….now I’m not so sure.

I had a great argument and even used examples from his life as proof of what I was trying to say, but he kept insisting that I was wrong.  And then I brought up my life and he had to agree with me a little, but he said that maybe I just made bad choices.

Now I don’t know….is it possible to choose who you fall in love with?  If so, how can you stop yourself from falling in love with the wrong people?

I pretty much live in fear of getting my heart broken.  I never want to experience that again and I would *almost* rather be single forever than to risk that pain.  I wish that I knew I would be fulfilled and happy as a single person forever.  It would be much, much easier.  Relationships are so complicated and…well…..scary.  These are crazy words coming from a former relationship junkie!

This has been a babbling post….sorry.  I’m just unsure how to trust myself and my choices and trying to figure out how to let down my walls low enough for someone to hop over.

 

A Great Day

Sorry folks, this one is not dating related, but I wanted to share because it is so awesome.

Yesterday was a great day, I spent it with one of my good friends shopping, laughing, watching football, and having a few beers.  After I dropped her off, I went home and tried to get my roommates to rally and go out.  My two male roommates, ARommie and BRoomie, were home just sitting around being lazy.  A few of their friends came over intent on sitting around drinking beer and watching a movie.  Through sheer will power, I managed to convince them all to rally and we went out.  It was me and 5 guys.  We walked around laughing at all the drunk college kids until we found a bar that we could stand to go into.

After I ordered the first round of drinks and got them to our table, we were talking about the house.  One of my roommates’ friends asked me how it was going living with the guys.  I shrugged, smiled, and said it was going well.  Then the friend looked at ARoomie with the question on his face.  ARoomie looked at me for a minute and then said “Honestly, it’s awesome.  FRJ has the most amazing energy.  You can feel it when she walks into the room.  It’s really nice to be around her and she makes our home a really positive place.”  I almost started crying.  I held back though (out with five guys after all) and just said “Wow, thanks!”  ARoomie said “It’s true.  You have a really positive energy.  It is always obvious when you walk into the room because everyone is uplifted.  Just look….you managed to get 5 guys intent on being lazy to get up off the couch and go out.  Without complaining.  That’s pretty amazing.”

It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.  And the whole time he was talking, my other roommate and their friends were nodding.  It was incredible to feel so loved.  It is sort of novel to feel that way with a bunch of guys.  It’s really clear that all five of them appreciate me for who I am, even if they also appreciate me for other reasons (BVP was there….see post BVP).

When the bars were closing we went back to our house and hung out for awhile chatting and teasing each other about random things.  When the friends were leaving, one of them said to me “I’m sure I’ll see you and the rest of the family tomorrow.”  And it didn’t seem weird.  Even though we haven’t lived together or even known each other very long, we are like a family…

The perfect combination

So…a little more on this guy…

He is exactly the combination of things I am looking for.  He’s smart, educated, ambitious, successful, hardworking, funny, attractive (REALLY), interesting, friendly, gentlemanly….I could keep going.  And I haven’t met him yet.  I’m partially waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But partially, I think he’s for real.  I mean…I’ve never felt this way so instantly about anyone.  Ever.  And he says the same thing.  We talk about 4 times a day, about everything and nothing.

I am going back into the city on Wednesday, and we are meeting that night.  I am so excited.  And so nervous.  I just have a feeling about him.  I really don’t know what else to say.  I’m trying really hard not to put all my romantic hopes into this one basket…but I kind of just want to cancel my plans with all the other guys.  I’m not going to….yet.  But here’s the thing….I already like him more than I like Aaron.  So I feel like regardless of what happens with the new guy, I need to tell Aaron that I don’t think it’s going to work.  But I have no idea how to do that.  I’m terrible at stuff like this.  And normally, I wouldn’t give much thought to telling someone I’ve been out with a few times that I am taking a different path, but I’m friends with Aaron’s sister.  And I need to be mindful of that.

Does anyone have any advice for “breaking up” with someone you’ve only been on a few dates with?  Preferably in a way that doesn’t piss him or his sister off too much???

<3

I think I’m in love.  Seriously.  Except we haven’t met yet….

More later maybe….