Will self destruct in 5, 4, 3….

Sometimes I find myself in relationship-self-destruct mode.  I’m teetering on the edge of it right now.  I get myself into these relationships that get me questioning things, and rather than deal with it head on, I tend to go into destructor mode.

I like Mr. Perfect.  I have no illusions…I know he isn’t really perfect, but he is closer than I have ever experienced, and that says something.  But I find myself dangerously close to “destructor mode” with him.  I find myself questioning his motives in an almost paranoid way.  I have worked myself up about it enough that I think I have to say something to him about my concerns or risk just destructing without proof.  I wish I could say that this is just some random neurotic behavior on my part…I really would love to just blame myself for once…but I have a sneaking suspicion that its about my past and that I shouldn’t blame myself for this….

Regardless of who is to blame, I don’t want to screw anything up…so I am going to try to find a nice, non-threatening way to ask about my concerns.  Hopefully he will be honest with me…and hopefully I will be able to tell if he isn’t….


Freaking out

So Mr. Perfect is coming to my house in about 20 minutes and I am FREAKING out. I briefed my roommates on the situation and they encouraged me to invite him to the party tonight. So I sucked it up and asked him to come. But I can literally feel my heart pounding in my chest. I didn’t finish my room, I haven’t finished hanging the artwork, and the “party” is more of a hangout right now. I’m not sure why this freaks me out so much, but I definitely know that it makes it seem more real. Ahhh! I hope it goes ok and isn’t too awkward.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A satisfying response

Mr. Perfect now knows about the rapes.  I won’t say exactly how it came up, but it did come up organically in conversation (which is what I had been hoping for) and I chose to take the opportunity to tell him.  He reacted very well (this is a big deal to me) and I was satisfied by the conversation.  He showed concern and seemed genuinely upset, but when I changed the subject, he followed and was able to let it go.  I always worry about how people will react and he didn’t let me down.

Besides that, we had a really nice night tonight.  We decided to go to dinner somewhere neither of us had ever been and we were rewarded for our daring by being very pleasantly surprised by the quality of the food and the nice atmosphere.  After dinner we cuddled on his couch and watched part of a movie.  He DID ask me again when he could come to my place and asked again if I was dating one of my roommates.  I decided to come (sort of) clean and just tell him that it is a little awkward to have him over with roommates around all the time.  But I also invited him to come to a party on Saturday night.  This means I have a deadline for getting my room in order….oh shit….


Introducing the new guy

I saw Mr. Perfect on Sunday evening after 8 days of not seeing him.  He was sick over the weekend and I was away, but we decided to hang out and watch a movie and chill on his couch when I got back into town.  He gave me the code to get into his building weeks ago, but I still can’t make it work.  I have NO IDEA what I am doing wrong, and I think he thinks I keep forgetting the code because I keep asking him how to get into the building.  I usually just end up waiting for someone to come along and open the door for me.  Pathetic, I know.  (He says I only have to dial the number and nothing else, but when I do that, it tells me it is invalid…)

Anyway- I went over to his place immediately after arriving in the city.  I offered to bring him soup or medicine, but he said he had everything he needed.  I was a little disappointed not to be able to do my “caring” thing, but a little grateful not to have to make an extra stop.  We don’t kiss “hello” yet, and usually don’t really hug at the beginning either, but this time, he gave me a big hug when I walked in his door.  It was clear we were happy to see each other.  He offered me a glass of wine (he doesn’t drink wine usually, but keeps it around and seems to have an endless supply since he keeps opening new bottles for me) and told me to sit while he finished cooking his dinner.

I flopped down on his couch with my glass of wine and started telling him stories about my weekend while he cooked.  He ate his pasta as we decided what movie to watch and started it.  When he finished eating, he picked up my legs and put them across his lap and gave me a sort of absent-minded foot rub…..for the duration of the movie.  I can get used to that!

At the end of the night, when I was getting ready to leave he asked me if he can come inside my house yet.  (He keeps asking, and I keep telling him not yet.)  Again, I told him no.  It’s not that I don’t want him to see my house, he already knows where I live.  And it isn’t really about my state of unpackedness, though that is my official excuse.  He asked if it was because I am dating one of my roommates….and looked serious.  I laughed and told him no.  I am NOT dating any of my roommates.  But there is something about introducing a new guy (to my roommates he would be the first one, but the idea is the same) to the people I live with….there’s no taking it back once it has happened.  Even though I know that everyone would get along, it’s more about what would happen if things didn’t work out with Mr. Perfect and my roommates were subjected to an endless string of new men….I don’t want to start down that road…When do I decide that someone has lasting potential and is safe to introduce to my roommates?

My roommates are having a party this weekend for one of their friends at our house and told me (in exchange for agreeing to host the party) to invite whoever I want.  I am considering inviting Mr. Perfect to the party for a little while and then leaving with him to do something else.  That way, he can meet my roommates, see the space I live in, but not be subjected to the likely-to-be college-like party for longer than necessary.  But I am nervous to invite him…..

I have plans with Mr. Perfect for tomorrow night and was going to ask about the weekend/invite him then…..I hope I decide soon….

All dressed up….

So I haven’t seen Mr. Perfect since Saturday because he has been at a conference (in town) being a successful business person all week. We had planned to get together tonight after I was done with work. He was going to sneak out of the hotel and spend a few hours with me. I carefully chose my outfit before work so that I could go straight there. I am wearing WAY to much makeup for my job and wore heels. I nanny. Needless to say, I look a little overdone today.

(I’m sure you can all guess where I’m headed….) I just got a text from him telling me that they (all the people at this conference) are going on a dinner cruise tonight and he won’t be able to get away as he will be in the ocean. Damn. I got all gussied up for nothing.

We are both going away this weekend, so the earliest I will see him is Monday. It seems so long considering that since we met we haven’t gone for more than a few days without seeing each other. Maybe it will be good…absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that….but right now I just feel disappointed.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Do it the old fashioned way, please

One of the perks of the online dating thing is that it provides endless entertainment. Though I am not currently looking to meet someone, I decided to leave my online profile active until I have some sort of commitment. Every few days I go in to clear the messages so that my phone stops telling me I have unread messages. The other day, while clearing my messages, I came across a message from a couple propositioning me for…..something. I imagine they were looking for a threesome partner, but they wanted to take me to dinner first. They began the e-mail by saying they had just moved to the area from Spain and telling me about each of their professions (as though threesome partners will only join successful couples) and about their daughter (ew!). They finished up by telling me that the husband thinks I am pretty and have a nice smile and the wife thinks I seem nice and like a “good person”. Huh.

What ever happened to picking up your third the old fashioned way…..by buying them drinks all night at the bar and propositioning them then. I wouldn’t have said yes to that kind of proposition either, but it would have creeped me out far less. I have been asked in a bar before and while I find it a little out of my comfort zone, I at least feel flattered for being considered. Being propositioned online just makes me feel creeped out.

Anyway, entertaining as it was, I didn’t respond to their message. A day or so later I was telling a friend about it and went on the site to read her the message. Their profile had been deleted since I received my message. I guess they found what they were looking for. Next time, I hope they do it the old fashioned way and get some unsuspecting girl a drink at the local bar…

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Catch up…

I’m sorry it has been so long since I have updated you all.  I have been in the middle of a move and only got the internet going at my house last night.  I had planned to fill you in on each thing you missed during this short break, but it feels a little artificial to go back more than a week and write about those things.  So I will do my best to catch you up.

As of today, I have been on six dates with Mr. Perfect…in a week and a half.  They have all been great.  Sometimes we go out, sometimes we just stay in and watch a movie or a football game.  There is a lot of silence, but it is comfortable silence….the kind you have with someone you have been with for a while.  I definitely talk to him at least one time per day and we usually talk and text on and off throughout the day.  We have not had any conversations about being “exclusive” or labeled anything, but I don’t think I am going to see anyone else right now.  Not only because I don’t want to, but because I wouldn’t have time to fit anything else in.  If this seems a little unenthusiastic, it’s because I am EXHAUSTED.  I truly am excited about this guy.

On to the Aaron update.  When I left off, I wasn’t sure how to tell him I wasn’t feeling it anymore.  Over the last couple weeks, I received several text messages from him wishing me luck on my move and asking me to get in touch when I was available to have dinner.  I mostly responded with things like “thanks.”  Finally, two days ago, he sent me a message asking me to dinner.  I felt like I couldn’t ignore it and really needed to respond.  I decided to send him a text back.  It said “Hey Aaron.  Thanks for all the nice text messages.  I’m not really sure how to say this and I definitely don’t want to hurt your feelings.  I’m feeling more of a friend vibe between us.  I would love to be friends, but would understand if you prefer not to.”  It was the best I could come up with.  But he was VERY nice about it and said he was disappointed, but could always use more friends and had no hard feelings.  Whew.

In the online dating world:  I have been ignoring all the messages I have been receiving lately and not really responding to texts from the guys I had planned to meet up with besides Mr. Perfect.  I need to come up with a response to give them when they ask if I still want to get together.  I think for now I will just tell them I started seeing someone.  I am still trying to decide if I should disable my profile on the dating site or leave it up until  things are more serious.

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