Choices

Last night, my friend and I got into a heated discussion about whether you can help who you fall in love with.  He says that it is a matter of choice, and I disagree.  Or I did….now I’m not so sure.

I had a great argument and even used examples from his life as proof of what I was trying to say, but he kept insisting that I was wrong.  And then I brought up my life and he had to agree with me a little, but he said that maybe I just made bad choices.

Now I don’t know….is it possible to choose who you fall in love with?  If so, how can you stop yourself from falling in love with the wrong people?

I pretty much live in fear of getting my heart broken.  I never want to experience that again and I would *almost* rather be single forever than to risk that pain.  I wish that I knew I would be fulfilled and happy as a single person forever.  It would be much, much easier.  Relationships are so complicated and…well…..scary.  These are crazy words coming from a former relationship junkie!

This has been a babbling post….sorry.  I’m just unsure how to trust myself and my choices and trying to figure out how to let down my walls low enough for someone to hop over.

 

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Gestures

There are certain gestures that I really understand.  I think it is because of the relationship I have with my dad ( a wonderful guy).  He has always (especially since I have been an adult) shown his love by doing things for me.  He shows his love in other ways too, but things like taking care of car issues for me, helping me move, and helping me create a budget I can *try to* stick to.

In the last week, BVP has made all kinds of these gestures that are meaningful to me.  First, he knows I don’t have blinds on one of the windows in my bedroom.  It looks directly across the street into another person’s house, and I am pretty sure they have children.  I try to be conscious not to change in front of the window, but the way my room is arranged pretty much guarantees that I am changing in front of the window at least once a day.  Poor kids.  So the other day, out of the blue, he sent me an email with a link to Home Depot’s blinds page, which was having a sale.  All his note said was “So the kids across the street don’t have to learn the facts of life from you.”  It was really sweet.  First of all, that he thought of me and something I need when he was at work.  Secondly, because he took time to find a good deal for me and let me know about it.  It totally reminded me of something my dad would do.

The second thing was even bigger.  I asked him for the name and number of his mechanic because I need a few things fixed in my car.  Most guys would have given me the number, which I would have been grateful for, and maybe offered to go with me.  Instead, BVP asked what was wrong and said he would look into it before giving me the mechanic’s number.  He did a whole bunch of research, asked me tons of clarifying questions, and last night told me that he thinks it is one of two things, and that he can fix both.  He offered to buy the parts and do the work for me.  I told him I would buy the parts, but I am going to let him do the work.  He even found prices on the parts I need and told me where to buy them.  Then he offered to change my oil.  Again…totally reminded me of my dad.

These are the gestures of love I can understand.  I am not saying that BVP “loves” me, but I think this is the way he shows someone he cares.  And I am pretty sure he cares about me.

Recently, I was talking to my mom who said she thinks I need to be with someone like my dad.  My dad piped up in the background to agree.  I’m not sure about some things with BVP, but at least in this respect, he is just like my dad.

You can call me Ms. Breadwinner

About a week ago, I had a conversation with ARoomie about the minimum finances required to start a family.  This is a topic I am passionate about….because although I DO think it would be nice to be completely financially comfortable before having children, it just isn’t realistic.  No one would have kids.  Ever.  Most of the people I know who have kids have them even though they are not as comfortable as they would like to be.  But they are happy anyway.  And they make it work.  On the other hand, I do think it is irresponsible to have a (planned) child if you are super unstable financially.

Anyway….we were talking about this and he asked me “How much money does a guy have to make to be considered a good partner?  I mean, how much before you would consider him as a potential person to start a family with?”  I thought about this for a few minutes before saying: “Well, I don’t know…I mean money isn’t important, but I guess I would want someone to make at least $50,000 in a year.”  His jaw hit the floor and just as I was about to ask if that was too high, he said “Whoa, you need to raise your standards!  They need to make more than that to be with you!”  He then went on to assure me that BVP makes well over that (not that I asked).

So, I thought about it for a few days and then it hit me…..

Until Mr. (Not-So) Perfect, EVERY GUY I HAVE BEEN WITH EVER HAS MADE LESS THAN ME OR NOTHING AT ALL.  (And this is not saying much considering I made a maximum of $32,000).

I’ll let you digest that statement for a few minutes…..

So, I came home that night and told ARoomie about my realization and he was completely appalled.  He said “Then how come I can’t get any good women, if someone as amazing as you is dating losers like that?  This is not ok.  We need to FIX your standards.  Don’t do that ever again!”  I laughed and continued on my way to whatever I was doing, but I think he is right.  That is crazy!

Money is NOT everything.  It isn’t even most of it.  But it counts for something.  If only for the self-esteem and confidence.  It also counts towards easing my stress level.  When I don’t have to worry about how I am going to pay for both of us, or figure out how to pay all the rent, or do all the shopping, I am a much less stressed out person.

Here’s to me changing the old pattern and not being the breadwinner anymore!

 

A lovely date

Last night, BVP and I went on our first legitimate date….and it was really nice.  He picked me up at my door (even though he lives six houses down from me and I could have just walked over and met him) and opened the car door for me each time we got in.  That was a little unexpected.  He is super nice, but I hadn’t pegged him for the gallant car-door-opening type.  It was a nice surprise.  🙂  Then he took me to a Senegalese restaurant, which was excellent.  He had never been there, but had gone out of his way to pick somewhere interesting, with a great atmosphere and excellent food.  He told me later that he had asked a friend he really trusts for the recommendation.  (That means he told friends we were going out…)  Also, I always appreciate adventurous diners.  I had never had Senegalese food, but it was really good and the atmosphere was perfect.

At the end of the evening, I didn’t even offer to help pay and didn’t feel uncomfortable about it!  (Those of you who know me know I ALWAYS offer…)  When we got home he asked if I wanted to go to sleep or if I would hang out with him for a little while longer and said “I really don’t want this to be over.”  Cute ;).  So we went into his house and spent a few more hours talking and laughing.

I’m really not sure what it is about him.  Despite all my reservations, I am not reserved around him in the slightest.  I am incredibly comfortable and I find myself telling him things that I haven’t told anyone in forever or just going off on tangents.  He seems to feel the same and do the same too.  For all you who might be panicking at this…don’t worry….I am still on my guard.  He asked me to sleep over last night (just to sleep) and I told him no.  For the second time.  He knows that I don’t do sleepovers early on….and respects it, but also feels comfortable asking me to.  I know that he will respect any decision I make regarding my level of comfort with that kind of thing.  And because he was so respectful about it, I ALMOST broke my rule and slept over.  But I didn’t.  I walked the six houses back to my own bed and slept alone.

Today I am off on a mini-vacation and I couldn’t be more excited, but I am actually a little sad about not being here for the weekend.  I love my “family” (roommates) and it is going to feel weird to not spend time with them this weekend.

A “Porsche” excuse

So yesterday I got a text from Mr. (Not-so) Perfect asking what the names of my male roommates were.  I was seriously confused and almost didn’t answer him, but decided he wasn’t planning anything bad, so I wrote him back with their names and asked why he wanted to know.  When he finally responded, he told me he had just run into someone who knew them and gave me the person’s name.  I really didn’t think anything of it and just wanted to be done with texting him so I said “Huh. Small world.”  A few minutes later, I got another text from him saying “Sure is babe.”  Then a few minutes after that, I got ANOTHER one that said “I got the Porscheeeee!!”  Then I realized….

He did NOT run into someone that knew my roommates.  That would have been too random and how would it have even come up in conversation if he didn’t know my roommates’ names until AFTER he talked with the guy.  The guy didn’t know me…  So, clearly, this was just Mr. (Not-so) Perfect’s way of getting in touch with me so he could impress me with his new car.  But he didn’t count on me not giving a shit.

I responded “I saw on Facebook.  Congrats.”  Five minutes later I got ANOTHER text saying “I’m not gonna lie, I really miss your company.”  Oh boy.  I had nothing to say to that, and not wanting to be totally rude, I just asked if he had heard about the job he had been interviewing for.  Then I got a response that was so long it got broken into 4 sections on my phone.  All I could think was “right, you miss my ‘company’….more like you miss having someone to hookup with and talk about yourself to for hours on end.”

Later on in the evening, I got another message from him asking if I miss him.  I didn’t respond.  And then I got a sad face from him.  I didn’t respond.

Seriously, dude?  I feel bad if you miss me (for real), but I don’t miss you and I was really clear with you about the way I felt.  If you truly wanted to get me back, you would have to do a lot better than that.  I know what YOU REALLY WANT!

Later, I asked my roommate if he knew anyone by the name of the supposed guy….he had no clue who I was talking about.  And when I told him my theory of why I really got that message, he laughed, nodded knowingly, and said “He’s hoping the Porsche will change your mind.”  Ha.  Clearly he wasn’t paying attention to me at all when I was talking or he would know that I am not impressed by that sort of thing….and that I think Carrera’s are ugly.

Bad idea

A list of reasons that BVP is a bad idea:

1) He is best friends with two of my roommates.  If/when it ends, I will continue to see him on a daily basis.

2) He doesn’t like being called an adult.  Doesn’t want the responsibility.

3) He straight up told me he doesn’t want to have kids until he is at least 35…which is 6 years away. (Why do all men say 35?  It’s like their magic number.)

4) He’s in the Army.

5) He’s short.

6) See all of the above.

Despite all the above reasons that it is a bad idea, I can’t stop myself.  It’s a little like watching a train wreck in slow motion.  I think the ONLY way to handle it is to be super up-front about the potential dangers and the above reasons (maybe not the short thing).