All of the men…

I left the bar tonight thinking “Ugh.  All men are absolute crap.  All of them.  None of them can keep it in their pants, even when the option in front of them is super scary.  Yuck.  I am never going to meet anyone.”  And then I drove home (I was sober….don’t worry).  As I was getting out of my car I thought “Wait a minute!  Aaron is a really nice guy!  I bet he would not go home with someone super scary just because they were throwing themselves at him!  I HAVE met someone worth knowing!”

I post this because a few days ago, my friend and I had a conversation about how I might be “just not that into him.”  The other day I found myself kind of missing Aaron and looking forward to seeing him again.  And now this….uh oh…..maybe I am into him….???

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The weird thing that happens….

WARNING: This post may contain material not suitable for all audiences.  Like my parents.  Mom, this means you.  (Nothing crazy, just could cause discomfort….)

There’s something weird that happens with old flames.  You KNOW they aren’t really as attractive/funny/smart/worth it as they used to seem, but somehow, the old you takes over and your judgement becomes clouded.

Case in point:

Last night (I’m home on vacation, remember?) I went out with my girls.  We generally go to the same lame place, but always have a great time anyway.  Great company can make the worst places awesome.  Anyway….I was fully expecting to be hit on by way too many 24 year-olds.  I was even expecting to have at least a few high school reunion moments.  I was NOT expecting to run into a certain old flame.  And by old flame, I mean ancient history.  When I was a sophomore in high school and 15, “Jeremy” seemed like the hottest, funniest, coolest guy EVER.  He was a senior and had a car….both things that seriously upped his cool-factor.  We were a couple for a few months before I ended it to be with another, more awesome senior (well, I thought so anyway).  Our relationship had its sweet moments, but was mainly a physical one.  And even after we broke up, we always had a weird chemistry.

Last night, I could feel that chemistry tugging at me again.  He was obviously interested and was attentive to my friends and me, buying us drinks even though he doesn’t drink.  At some point in the night, I mentioned to one of my girls that he was a high school boyfriend and she said “Eww.  Him?  He’s not attractive!  He looks like he spends too much time on the mountain!”  I looked at him through her eyes and saw that she was right.  Where I used to find him attractive, he DID have sort of a mountain man look going on.  For a few minutes this worked.  It put a stop to those weird feelings of chemistry.

Then, at the end of the night, he asked me to go home with him.  We didn’t “have to do anything,” but he could “use some company.”  I actually considered it.  Despite the realization I had had earlier in the evening (with a little help from my friend), I actually thought about it.  I considered it all the way home (in my own car) and hadn’t ruled out changing my mind.  Finally, sense got a hold of me and I went home and got in bed, texting him “maybe another time.”

The craziest thing is, I actually haven’t ruled out “another time.”  I spent all day considering what it is about old flames that make people lose their sense.  I have a few thoughts:

  • They remind us of a time when we were younger/skinnier/cuter and more carefree.
  • Anyone you have previously had sex with somehow gets tied up in your current perceptions of sex and what is sexy.
  • There is something satisfying about knowing that someone who wanted you when you were younger/skinnier/cuter and more carefree still REALLY wants you.

It could be one of those things, a combination of those things, or none of those things.  All I know is that for some reason, there is something tying me to this person, even though my brain is screaming “NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!!”