You can call me Ms. Breadwinner

About a week ago, I had a conversation with ARoomie about the minimum finances required to start a family.  This is a topic I am passionate about….because although I DO think it would be nice to be completely financially comfortable before having children, it just isn’t realistic.  No one would have kids.  Ever.  Most of the people I know who have kids have them even though they are not as comfortable as they would like to be.  But they are happy anyway.  And they make it work.  On the other hand, I do think it is irresponsible to have a (planned) child if you are super unstable financially.

Anyway….we were talking about this and he asked me “How much money does a guy have to make to be considered a good partner?  I mean, how much before you would consider him as a potential person to start a family with?”  I thought about this for a few minutes before saying: “Well, I don’t know…I mean money isn’t important, but I guess I would want someone to make at least $50,000 in a year.”  His jaw hit the floor and just as I was about to ask if that was too high, he said “Whoa, you need to raise your standards!  They need to make more than that to be with you!”  He then went on to assure me that BVP makes well over that (not that I asked).

So, I thought about it for a few days and then it hit me…..

Until Mr. (Not-So) Perfect, EVERY GUY I HAVE BEEN WITH EVER HAS MADE LESS THAN ME OR NOTHING AT ALL.  (And this is not saying much considering I made a maximum of $32,000).

I’ll let you digest that statement for a few minutes…..

So, I came home that night and told ARoomie about my realization and he was completely appalled.  He said “Then how come I can’t get any good women, if someone as amazing as you is dating losers like that?  This is not ok.  We need to FIX your standards.  Don’t do that ever again!”  I laughed and continued on my way to whatever I was doing, but I think he is right.  That is crazy!

Money is NOT everything.  It isn’t even most of it.  But it counts for something.  If only for the self-esteem and confidence.  It also counts towards easing my stress level.  When I don’t have to worry about how I am going to pay for both of us, or figure out how to pay all the rent, or do all the shopping, I am a much less stressed out person.

Here’s to me changing the old pattern and not being the breadwinner anymore!

 

A Great Day

Sorry folks, this one is not dating related, but I wanted to share because it is so awesome.

Yesterday was a great day, I spent it with one of my good friends shopping, laughing, watching football, and having a few beers.  After I dropped her off, I went home and tried to get my roommates to rally and go out.  My two male roommates, ARommie and BRoomie, were home just sitting around being lazy.  A few of their friends came over intent on sitting around drinking beer and watching a movie.  Through sheer will power, I managed to convince them all to rally and we went out.  It was me and 5 guys.  We walked around laughing at all the drunk college kids until we found a bar that we could stand to go into.

After I ordered the first round of drinks and got them to our table, we were talking about the house.  One of my roommates’ friends asked me how it was going living with the guys.  I shrugged, smiled, and said it was going well.  Then the friend looked at ARoomie with the question on his face.  ARoomie looked at me for a minute and then said “Honestly, it’s awesome.  FRJ has the most amazing energy.  You can feel it when she walks into the room.  It’s really nice to be around her and she makes our home a really positive place.”  I almost started crying.  I held back though (out with five guys after all) and just said “Wow, thanks!”  ARoomie said “It’s true.  You have a really positive energy.  It is always obvious when you walk into the room because everyone is uplifted.  Just look….you managed to get 5 guys intent on being lazy to get up off the couch and go out.  Without complaining.  That’s pretty amazing.”

It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.  And the whole time he was talking, my other roommate and their friends were nodding.  It was incredible to feel so loved.  It is sort of novel to feel that way with a bunch of guys.  It’s really clear that all five of them appreciate me for who I am, even if they also appreciate me for other reasons (BVP was there….see post BVP).

When the bars were closing we went back to our house and hung out for awhile chatting and teasing each other about random things.  When the friends were leaving, one of them said to me “I’m sure I’ll see you and the rest of the family tomorrow.”  And it didn’t seem weird.  Even though we haven’t lived together or even known each other very long, we are like a family…

BVP

My roommates’ friend, let’s call him BVP, likes me.  I just have a feeling…..and I also have evidence…

1. The first night we really hung out, we got pretty tipsy and then decided to go to a local bar.  (It seemed like a great idea at the time, NOT SO in the morning.)  The entire time we were at the bar, which we went to in order to pick up girls for the roommates/friends, he talked to me.  We discovered we were both using the same dating site and he looked me up and spent the rest of the night alternating between comparing our “compatibility” and asking me tons of questions about Mr. Perfect.  Then, when we got back to my house, I laid down on the couch and he asked if he could lay down too and cuddle.  I was feeling pretty….good….so I said sure.  And he talked about how nice it was to cuddle with me.  When I finally went to my room to go to sleep, he gave me a longing look and said goodnight.
2. The next night was the housewarming party at my house.  Mr. Perfect was coming, so I was all kinds of nervous.  BVP came over before the party to help us get ready and kept asking me if Mr. Perfect was coming.  He would not let it go.
3. Then, when Mr. Perfect did arrive, everyone was nice to him….EXCEPT BVP, who is normally nice to everyone.  He was super aggressive when he was talking to Mr. Perfect and he kept saying confrontational things.  I think Mr. Perfect didn’t pick up on it, but for a few minutes there I thought BVP was going to challenge him to a fight.  Seriously…he asked Mr. Perfect what he does for work and thought Mr. Perfect said “fine.”  In the snappiest voice ever, BVP said “I mean, I’m sure you are fine, but I asked what you do for work.”  Mr. Perfect just looked at him kind of funny and said “I said finance.”  I swear, my head was whipping back and forth, like I was watching a tennis match.
4. The next day, he added me on Facebook and asked me to send him a picture I had taken.  It was on my phone, so I said I could text it to him, and he keeps sending me flirty text messages now.
5. Also….last night, I got 7 messages in a row on the online dating site from him even though he has multiple ways to contact me….seems pointed…

Now, BVP is incredibly nice.  Cute even (though pretty short).  He is the kind of guy I wouldn’t typically go for, but might under certain circumstances…..except….he’s in the Reserves.  OF COURSE.  I’m not really sure what it is with me and military dudes, but I sort of promised myself I wouldn’t date any current military personnel ever again.  It’s bad enough that Mr. Perfect is a retired military man….

A satisfying response

Mr. Perfect now knows about the rapes.  I won’t say exactly how it came up, but it did come up organically in conversation (which is what I had been hoping for) and I chose to take the opportunity to tell him.  He reacted very well (this is a big deal to me) and I was satisfied by the conversation.  He showed concern and seemed genuinely upset, but when I changed the subject, he followed and was able to let it go.  I always worry about how people will react and he didn’t let me down.

Besides that, we had a really nice night tonight.  We decided to go to dinner somewhere neither of us had ever been and we were rewarded for our daring by being very pleasantly surprised by the quality of the food and the nice atmosphere.  After dinner we cuddled on his couch and watched part of a movie.  He DID ask me again when he could come to my place and asked again if I was dating one of my roommates.  I decided to come (sort of) clean and just tell him that it is a little awkward to have him over with roommates around all the time.  But I also invited him to come to a party on Saturday night.  This means I have a deadline for getting my room in order….oh shit….

 

Introducing the new guy

I saw Mr. Perfect on Sunday evening after 8 days of not seeing him.  He was sick over the weekend and I was away, but we decided to hang out and watch a movie and chill on his couch when I got back into town.  He gave me the code to get into his building weeks ago, but I still can’t make it work.  I have NO IDEA what I am doing wrong, and I think he thinks I keep forgetting the code because I keep asking him how to get into the building.  I usually just end up waiting for someone to come along and open the door for me.  Pathetic, I know.  (He says I only have to dial the number and nothing else, but when I do that, it tells me it is invalid…)

Anyway- I went over to his place immediately after arriving in the city.  I offered to bring him soup or medicine, but he said he had everything he needed.  I was a little disappointed not to be able to do my “caring” thing, but a little grateful not to have to make an extra stop.  We don’t kiss “hello” yet, and usually don’t really hug at the beginning either, but this time, he gave me a big hug when I walked in his door.  It was clear we were happy to see each other.  He offered me a glass of wine (he doesn’t drink wine usually, but keeps it around and seems to have an endless supply since he keeps opening new bottles for me) and told me to sit while he finished cooking his dinner.

I flopped down on his couch with my glass of wine and started telling him stories about my weekend while he cooked.  He ate his pasta as we decided what movie to watch and started it.  When he finished eating, he picked up my legs and put them across his lap and gave me a sort of absent-minded foot rub…..for the duration of the movie.  I can get used to that!

At the end of the night, when I was getting ready to leave he asked me if he can come inside my house yet.  (He keeps asking, and I keep telling him not yet.)  Again, I told him no.  It’s not that I don’t want him to see my house, he already knows where I live.  And it isn’t really about my state of unpackedness, though that is my official excuse.  He asked if it was because I am dating one of my roommates….and looked serious.  I laughed and told him no.  I am NOT dating any of my roommates.  But there is something about introducing a new guy (to my roommates he would be the first one, but the idea is the same) to the people I live with….there’s no taking it back once it has happened.  Even though I know that everyone would get along, it’s more about what would happen if things didn’t work out with Mr. Perfect and my roommates were subjected to an endless string of new men….I don’t want to start down that road…When do I decide that someone has lasting potential and is safe to introduce to my roommates?

My roommates are having a party this weekend for one of their friends at our house and told me (in exchange for agreeing to host the party) to invite whoever I want.  I am considering inviting Mr. Perfect to the party for a little while and then leaving with him to do something else.  That way, he can meet my roommates, see the space I live in, but not be subjected to the likely-to-be college-like party for longer than necessary.  But I am nervous to invite him…..

I have plans with Mr. Perfect for tomorrow night and was going to ask about the weekend/invite him then…..I hope I decide soon….