You can call me Ms. Breadwinner

About a week ago, I had a conversation with ARoomie about the minimum finances required to start a family.  This is a topic I am passionate about….because although I DO think it would be nice to be completely financially comfortable before having children, it just isn’t realistic.  No one would have kids.  Ever.  Most of the people I know who have kids have them even though they are not as comfortable as they would like to be.  But they are happy anyway.  And they make it work.  On the other hand, I do think it is irresponsible to have a (planned) child if you are super unstable financially.

Anyway….we were talking about this and he asked me “How much money does a guy have to make to be considered a good partner?  I mean, how much before you would consider him as a potential person to start a family with?”  I thought about this for a few minutes before saying: “Well, I don’t know…I mean money isn’t important, but I guess I would want someone to make at least $50,000 in a year.”  His jaw hit the floor and just as I was about to ask if that was too high, he said “Whoa, you need to raise your standards!  They need to make more than that to be with you!”  He then went on to assure me that BVP makes well over that (not that I asked).

So, I thought about it for a few days and then it hit me…..

Until Mr. (Not-So) Perfect, EVERY GUY I HAVE BEEN WITH EVER HAS MADE LESS THAN ME OR NOTHING AT ALL.  (And this is not saying much considering I made a maximum of $32,000).

I’ll let you digest that statement for a few minutes…..

So, I came home that night and told ARoomie about my realization and he was completely appalled.  He said “Then how come I can’t get any good women, if someone as amazing as you is dating losers like that?  This is not ok.  We need to FIX your standards.  Don’t do that ever again!”  I laughed and continued on my way to whatever I was doing, but I think he is right.  That is crazy!

Money is NOT everything.  It isn’t even most of it.  But it counts for something.  If only for the self-esteem and confidence.  It also counts towards easing my stress level.  When I don’t have to worry about how I am going to pay for both of us, or figure out how to pay all the rent, or do all the shopping, I am a much less stressed out person.

Here’s to me changing the old pattern and not being the breadwinner anymore!



When the bill comes…

In the past I wanted to be a “modern woman” when it came to paying for dates.  I ALWAYS offered to contribute on the first date, and generally insisted on paying for the whole date by the third.  But here’s what that got me: a long line of boyfriends (literally ALL of them) who couldn’t or wouldn’t pay for things.  I mean, guys who would say “Let’s go out to dinner” and then at the end of our meal say “You get this one.  I’ll get the next one.”  These meals usually included at least three courses and lots of wine.  And we weren’t at Applebees.

No more.

I will still offer to contribute early on, but if they refuse, I am not pressing the issue.  Good.  They should pay.  They should WANT to pay, as one of my friends likes to tell me.  And it’s not about the money. (WARNING: I’m going to say something that may sound anti-women’s lib.)  It’s about showing me that you are a man.  Take care of it.  You don’t have to tell me all about your finances, but don’t ask me to do something you can’t afford to pay for.  I would much rather go to a park for a picnic than go to a nice restaurant that is going to make you financially uncomfortable for the rest of the week. I would NEVER ask someone to do something that I wasn’t SURE I could afford to pay for, so I don’t understand why men do this.  As it is, even though I probably won’t offer to pay, I never go out unless I know I could pay for myself if I had to.

I’m not saying I will date someone for three years and never get out my wallet.  Eventually, I will.  There will definitely be a time when I will say “Let’s go do ____, my treat.”  I’m just saying I want to push it back further.  And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.