Dear Chemistry

Dear Chemistry,

It’s nice to see you again.  However, I do have a bone to pick with you…  Yet again you have connected me with a member of the military.  Why do you always betray me like this?  After the last time I made a simple request…no more military.  And yet, you have not listened.  Thomas was in the Air Force, William (aka Rat Bastard) was in the Army, Mr. (Not All That) Perfect was an Army veteran, and now BVP is in the Army.  That is ONLY counting those that I have had lasting connections with and not including those that there was chemistry with but didn’t last long.  WTF??

My main argument with the military is the potential for PTSD.  As a survivor of PTSD, it is very difficult for me to date anyone struggling with it themselves.  Now, I know that not ALL military personnel end up traumatized, but the percentage is higher than that of the rest of the male population.  So far, BVP exhibits no signs of any trauma.  He has deployed before, but does some sort of computer job.  He is also friends with my roommates, and I haven’t heard anything mentioned about trauma.  But it scares me to think that I could end up with another Rat Bastard type guy.  I’m sure he isn’t anything like Rat Bastard- he doesn’t seem to have multiple mental illnesses- but what if it’s buried.  On the other hand, I really like him (thanks to you, Chemistry) and have a great connection.  And I think about him all the time.  Arg. At least you made him have the same feelings as me…

I just wanted you to know that while I appreciate your appearance in my life, I am a little wary of your decision making.  Please think this one through carefully and remove the connection early if there is trouble ahead.  Otherwise, I don’t know how I can trust you in the future.

Thank you for your continued attention to my life.

Sincerely,

Former Relationship Junkie

Proof

Proof that I have changed:

Tonight I ended it with Mr. Perfect- a weird name for him now, but the one I started off with, so that one I will stick with.

I had been feeling like the relationship was purely physical on his end, and it was bugging me.  I had resolved to talk to him about it, but then he REALLY pissed me off.  One night last week, he stopped by my house- just for a chat.  With all my roommates sitting in the next room, he kept trying to convince me to go upstairs and…well…you know.  I kept telling him to forget it, but he kept pushing.  So I changed the subject and he turned THAT around too and made it super awkward.  If we didn’t go up to my room, it would have been weird because now all my roommates were looking.  So we came up to my room and I showed him the new blazer I had been telling him about….and then he started getting pushy again!  I mean COME ON!  Pushy men will drive anyone crazy, but-with my history- it really rubs me the wrong way. The next day he was going out of town for a week, so I wasn’t going to see him anyway.  I planned to talk with him when he got back and give him a chance to change his behavior…but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that his behavior wasn’t likely to change because what really bothered me was his self-centered personality.  For example, while he was away, he texted me “How was your weekend?” I responded that it was terrible and his response was “Oh. Sorry.  Mine blah blah blah blah blah” for a half an hour worth of texts.  It was the key that made me realize that 90% of conversations were about him.  Anyway, all that aside, he is a good person.  I do appreciate a lot of his qualities, I just couldn’t see it going anywhere.

Here’s why this is different from before:

Old FRJ would have just gone with it for two years before letting him break up with me for some reason like he met someone else.  New FRJ is taking charge.  I am not interested in being in a relationship with someone if I don’t see the potential for a future….and if I don’t see it after 2 months, I doubt I will ever see it.

A beautiful fall day…

It’s a beautiful fall day in a beautiful college town. I’m here for a conference that was an amazing learning and networking experience. But I find myself on edge and anxious to get out of here… Why? This beautiful college campus is where “Rat Bastard” attends school and I’m freaked that I might run into him.

Obviously he wasn’t going to be at the conference, but lunch was in the dining hall and now I am waiting for my ride on the college green, which is his favorite fall hangout. I’m sort of counting on him being in one of his many personalities that believes people who hang out on college greens are “common, unenlightened” people.
If I do see him, I’m not sure what I will do/say… For now I will just hope he’s at home sleeping off whatever binge drinking episode he was involved in last night.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

UPDATE: Police Report

So after my Police Report post, my parents called to tell me that they had a copy of the police report in their possession.  Turns out that they got a copy of it after I told them it happened years ago and held onto it for the day that I would want to read it.  So I no longer have to request it from the Tempe Police Department.  My parents feel strongly, having read it, that I should read it with my old therapist.  They offered to pay for an hour with her and I could use the whole hour or not.  For some reason I have a block on this.  I really just want to get it and have it in my possession for a while without opening it.  Of course my parents are willing to give it to me no matter what I choose to do with it.  They are SUPER supportive, awesome parents.

Maybe I’m kidding myself, but I wasn’t thinking it would be that difficult.  I thought maybe I would be a little upset and need cheering up or need something to take my mind off it, but that it would be matter of fact.  But the more real it gets (that I might actually read it) the more freaked out I get about it.  I think I need more time.

On another note, I want to thank all the people who sent me messages, called, or otherwise offered to be there for me when I read it.  I am amazed and humbled by the awesomeness and supportiveness of so many of you.  I am so lucky.

A Great Day

Sorry folks, this one is not dating related, but I wanted to share because it is so awesome.

Yesterday was a great day, I spent it with one of my good friends shopping, laughing, watching football, and having a few beers.  After I dropped her off, I went home and tried to get my roommates to rally and go out.  My two male roommates, ARommie and BRoomie, were home just sitting around being lazy.  A few of their friends came over intent on sitting around drinking beer and watching a movie.  Through sheer will power, I managed to convince them all to rally and we went out.  It was me and 5 guys.  We walked around laughing at all the drunk college kids until we found a bar that we could stand to go into.

After I ordered the first round of drinks and got them to our table, we were talking about the house.  One of my roommates’ friends asked me how it was going living with the guys.  I shrugged, smiled, and said it was going well.  Then the friend looked at ARoomie with the question on his face.  ARoomie looked at me for a minute and then said “Honestly, it’s awesome.  FRJ has the most amazing energy.  You can feel it when she walks into the room.  It’s really nice to be around her and she makes our home a really positive place.”  I almost started crying.  I held back though (out with five guys after all) and just said “Wow, thanks!”  ARoomie said “It’s true.  You have a really positive energy.  It is always obvious when you walk into the room because everyone is uplifted.  Just look….you managed to get 5 guys intent on being lazy to get up off the couch and go out.  Without complaining.  That’s pretty amazing.”

It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.  And the whole time he was talking, my other roommate and their friends were nodding.  It was incredible to feel so loved.  It is sort of novel to feel that way with a bunch of guys.  It’s really clear that all five of them appreciate me for who I am, even if they also appreciate me for other reasons (BVP was there….see post BVP).

When the bars were closing we went back to our house and hung out for awhile chatting and teasing each other about random things.  When the friends were leaving, one of them said to me “I’m sure I’ll see you and the rest of the family tomorrow.”  And it didn’t seem weird.  Even though we haven’t lived together or even known each other very long, we are like a family…

Police Reports

October has been a weird month for me ever since 2005, which is when I was last raped.  Up until then, I loved October…it’s a beautiful month, and Halloween is my favorite holiday, so I spent the whole month excited.  These last few years, October has been bittersweet.  I get excited for Halloween still, and I always appreciate the beauty of fall, but rape is on my mind more often.  So, a few weeks ago I decided to get the police report from the last rape.  It’s the only one that even has a police report, and I feel like I should have looked at it long ago.  Years ago, my therapist encouraged me to get a copy and read it in a session with her, but it was too fresh and I didn’t feel like I could read it without being triggered.  I finally feel like it is time to get some closure on the event and that I will be able to read it without it upsetting me too much. (Maybe it’s wishful thinking….)

I called the Tempe police department the other day to find out the record number so I can send the written request.  One of my biggest hang-ups with the whole thing is that I don’t remember anything.  (The rape crisis center people thought I had been drugged.)  I don’t remember most of that night, and the parts I do remember are hazy at best.  I do remember sort of coming to in a hotel lobby with a blanket around me, naked underneath, with a cop with yellow glasses looking at me and asking me if I was alright.  He and his partner told me that the hotel manager had called them because I had come running into the lobby naked crying and asking for help.  I don’t remember that.  Anyway, I say all that to say I have NO IDEA what will be in the report.  The cops took me to the rape crisis center and were quite nice to me that night.  However, I chose not to press charges in the days following.  (I just wanted it not to be true, so I dealt with it by pretending it didn’t happen.  Not a healthy way to deal with things, I don’t recommend it.)

Anyway….police reports….  The website says that victims of crimes can get one free copy of police reports.  However, when I talked with the lady in the records department, she told me I would have to pay for the report.  As though I was the perpetrator.  This has me really freaked about what is in the police report, though I am willing to pay for the closure.  I need an assistant to be there with me when I open the report, but I have this really strong feeling that it needs to be someone who will support me without wanting to know what is in the report if I don’t like what it has to say.  At the same time, I need it to be someone who can get it together to be there for me if it is super upsetting.  I really don’t know who to ask.  I don’t want to ask Mr. Perfect, it’s just too much.  I don’t want to ask my parents because I think it would be just as upsetting to them.  I need someone with no vested interest in what the report says, but does care about me.  I guess I am now accepting applications….

These are the extra details of being a survivor of rape that no one would EVER think of otherwise….

BVP

My roommates’ friend, let’s call him BVP, likes me.  I just have a feeling…..and I also have evidence…

  1. The first night we really hung out, we got pretty tipsy and then decided to go to a local bar.  (It seemed like a great idea at the time, NOT SO in the morning.)  The entire time we were at the bar, which we went to in order to pick up girls for the roommates/friends, he talked to me.  We discovered we were both using the same dating site and he looked me up and spent the rest of the night alternating between comparing our “compatibility” and asking me tons of questions about Mr. Perfect.  Then, when we got back to my house, I laid down on the couch and he asked if he could lay down too and cuddle.  I was feeling pretty….good….so I said sure.  And he talked about how nice it was to cuddle with me.  When I finally went to my room to go to sleep, he gave me a longing look and said goodnight.
  2. The next night was the housewarming party at my house.  Mr. Perfect was coming, so I was all kinds of nervous.  BVP came over before the party to help us get ready and kept asking me if Mr. Perfect was coming.  He would not let it go.
  3. Then, when Mr. Perfect did arrive, everyone was nice to him….EXCEPT BVP, who is normally nice to everyone.  He was super aggressive when he was talking to Mr. Perfect and he kept saying confrontational things.  I think Mr. Perfect didn’t pick up on it, but for a few minutes there I thought BVP was going to challenge him to a fight.  Seriously…he asked Mr. Perfect what he does for work and thought Mr. Perfect said “fine.”  In the snappiest voice ever, BVP said “I mean, I’m sure you are fine, but I asked what you do for work.”  Mr. Perfect just looked at him kind of funny and said “I said finance.”  I swear, my head was whipping back and forth, like I was watching a tennis match.
  4. The next day, he added me on Facebook and asked me to send him a picture I had taken.  It was on my phone, so I said I could text it to him, and he keeps sending me flirty text messages now.
  5. Also….last night, I got 7 messages in a row on the online dating site from him even though he has multiple ways to contact me….seems pointed…

Now, BVP is incredibly nice.  Cute even (though pretty short).  He is the kind of guy I wouldn’t typically go for, but might under certain circumstances…..except….he’s in the Reserves.  OF COURSE.  I’m not really sure what it is with me and military dudes, but I sort of promised myself I wouldn’t date any current military personnel ever again.  It’s bad enough that Mr. Perfect is a retired military man….

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