You can call me Jane…I mean Elinor…

EDIT: I’m an idiot in addition to being crazy….it’s Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility. You can call me Elinor.

So lately I’ve realized that I am a lot like Jane Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. And not necessarily in a good way. Unfortunately I have the tendency to keep my feelings completely quiet and hidden. I even pretend they are less than they truly are, even to myself and my closest friends. At one point Jane says about Mr. Bingley: “I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him- that I greatly esteem him. I like him.” Although she makes a very bland comment about him, she is hiding (from herself and her sister) her true feelings. I said something almost identical to this when describing BVP to my mother a few weeks ago.

The problem with all this is that if I’m hiding it from myself and my friends, then he isn’t going to know either and like Mr. Bingley, he might be easily persuaded to call it quits with me. Now let me just say, I’m not trying to draw too many parallels between Jane Bennet and me. I’m not currently in love with BVP. But I do like him a lot and feel a strong connection with him.

Yesterday I behaved like a cross between Jane and a crazy person- I indiscreetly asked a friend to help me read signals…and BVP heard me. On top of that, I had asked him to hang out and neglected to mention that it was going to be a group event. Then on top of that, I let my Jane-ish-ness get the best of me and I played it super cool. I’d been feeling pretty unsure recently about his intentions and have definitely been putting up a wall. Today I even found myself thinking I should just call it a loss instead of dealing with this wall and taking a risk. Except I feel like I might regret it. I NEED to deal with this, if only to prove to myself that it isn’t as scary as I assume. I’m just hoping I haven’t ruined a good thing already by being a crazy version of Jane…

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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