That rat bastard…

To the long list of things to be pissed off at my ex for (and I am not the kind of person to be mad at exes, I am friends with almost all of them- except this one), I can now add total relationship fear/paralysis.  Thanks a lot.

So anyway, I’ve been telling myself (and anyone else who will listen) that I don’t want to jump into a new relationship too quickly, that I’m interested in dating multiple people and not committing to anything until I feel sure I am ready because this is a new and exciting time of my life.  But I woke up this morning to the realization that my hesitation is mostly about my absolute fear of being in another relationship like the last one.  I didn’t see any of the red flags until it was “too late” and now I don’t trust myself to make a good choice when it comes to a relationship.  What if there are red flags again and I don’t notice them?  What if I waste even more time on yet another horribly chosen boyfriend?  Furthermore, I find that I REALLY distrust nice behavior.  As though it is too good to be true and I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  At this moment, I would almost rather stay single forever than have to try out a new relationship…

Ugh.  Thanks a lot rat bastard.  You really did a number on me.

After four really great dates with “Aaron,” I can tell he likes me.  Really likes me.  Instead of feeling happy about this (because I DO like him) I am in a complete panic about it and am extremely relieved to have a little break from him dating while we are both on vacation.  This is not normal.  Partly I think this is a good thing because it is really enforcing my “go slow” rule.  On the other hand, it is making me even more unsure because I’m confused about what it means.  Do I just like him as a friend and am relieved to have a break because it was going down a path I would never be interested in?  Or do I actually like him (which is what I believe) and I am just too scared to let it go down any path at all??


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